Where the wind blows

What a great feast Pentecost is!   It is one of my favorite because of the wonderful music that was written for our Vespers office monasterypodcast.com and because I love the imagery given to us by scripture of what the Spirit is like:  fire, dove, wind.   My favorite is the ‘wind’ image.  Sometimes if I am sitting somewhere and a random breeze happens to touch my face out of the blue, I wonder if that’s my guardian angel brushing his/her wing on my skin or I wonder if it is the Spirit drawing me back into the Sacred Presence.   I also love feeling the power in storm winds as they blow through.  Sometimes the wind blows so hard in Clyde, MO that I can lean forward into it and not fall down.   So breezes and winds can remind me of God’s presence.  

The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  John 3:8

In discernment, we have to let the Spirit blow where he will, just like the wind that is mentioned in the above scripture quote.  The Spirit will be gentle at times and perhaps like a storm wind when trying to get our attention.   Sometimes you just have to duck and cover!  We can’t control the wind or the Spirit so we might as well just go along for the ride.    

This reminds me of a quote attributed to St. Hildegard - “I am a feather on the breath of God."

This is a lovely image if I imagine a soft summer breeze gently moving the feather (me) along. 

A strong wind blowing me along doesn't seem so bad either, I'm more afraid of the time of no breeze when the feather is just laying there...stuck.  

We can feel stuck in discernment and in our spiritual journey.  Keeping vigil for the wind to blow again is the only thing we can do.  Perhaps just laying there can allow us to take a closer look around us instead of rushing on to the next thing.  

The wind blows where it pleases... (and when it pleases!)

What's behind door #1?

It is time for our Summer Monastic Experience once again so I headed to our monastery in Tucson, Arizona on Monday for this vocation event.  Wanting to travel as cheaply as I could, I had to fly EAST out of Kansas City in order to reach my destination in the SOUTHWEST.  (I'm sure some of you have also experienced the intelligent logic that goes into these cheaply offered airline routes)  My route took me to lovely O'Hare airport in Chicago where after a 1 1/2 hour delay due to mechanical problems, I finally boarded a plane to Tucson landing around 12:30am (Clyde, Missouri time).  The community here was kind enough to excuse me from Vigils and Lauds the next morning,  We Benedictines do have a heart!

It has been over 100 degrees here the past couple of days so in order to get some exercise in without succumbing to heat stroke, I got up at 5am Wednesday morning to take a good 45 minute walk down 3rd street towards the University of Arizona.   This is a fairly quiet road because traffic is somewhat limited and the houses are quaint with southwest architecture and many beautiful desert plants.  Of all things, I am most intrigued by the doors I see on these houses.  These are not your ordinary white or brown doors you see in the Midwest but come in bright blues, greens, reds, etc.  Doors symbolize for me the unknown and mystery.  When I see an interesting door, it makes me want to open it up to see what's beyond.   If the door is interesting, surely the inside is too...doors can also be FRIGHTENING and sadly doors can be shut in our faces.

Over the years I have been told by a couple of vocation prospects that when they came to the monastery to visit for the first time, they were afraid to come in so they sat out in the parking lot for awhile debating whether or not to go up the stairs and knock on the front door or turn around and go home.  Or some have been known to pull into the parking lot and pull right out again and go drive around the neighborhood before working up the courage to knock.  This does not surprise me  because I was the same way when I first started visiting religious communities.  I visited a cloistered Carmelite community and rang the bell and waited.  As I stood there I said to myself, "This is crazy, I can just leave now and they will never know who I was!"  (I did in fact stay and visit after the door was answered, and it wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be :)

Fears are normal when considering religious life.  In fact, anyone who doesn't have any fears is a little suspect.  Crossing the threshold into religious life is a big undertaking and should stir up a little fear and trembling.
We may need to pray for the courage to just go up to the door and knock.

 Knocking is free after all.  And if Jesus comes knocking on YOUR door, make sure you answer it!   

 

Nuns and Kids

I had the great pleasure of driving back up to the plains of Nebraska again this last weekend to attend the high school graduation of my nephew Greg.   My two brothers both had 4 kids apiece and managed to pretty much space them out every 2 years.   Thus I have been heading back to Elgin, NE every other year in May since 2004 to join the family in kicking another 18 year old Starman out of the nest.  

Having chosen to be celibate, (or rather being chosen by God to be celibate), I have not experienced the joys of motherhood.   Thanks to my brothers, though, I have experienced the joys of aunt-hood.  I was the type of aunt who when I walked into the house, bedlam usually ensued.  I would chase the little kids around the house, get them all stirred up and screaming...just in time for bed!  And perhaps an accidental bruise was acquired from running into a wall or a piece of furniture in all the excitement.  Thank God kids get over those things quickly! As they got older, I would take them out on adventures such as canoeing.  My sister-in-law would tell me before our trips, “Just bring them back alive, Ruth.”

My standard line to my brother when one of his little ones was throwing a temper tantrum was, “And THIS is why I’m celibate!”  But when they would smile their charming smiles and snuggle up with me, then it was harder to say celibacy is a good thing.

Celibacy is not an easy vow to live out.  Many women struggle with the thought of never having a husband and children.  Some struggle with it more than others.  The most difficult time for me was when I reached my late 30’s and was pondering final vows.  I heard the door clanging shut and had to ask myself, “Are you sure you can do this?”  

To be a successful celibate one HAS to have a deep, abiding relationship with Jesus Christ.   However, it can be hard to love someone without any skin.   When one is in a desert time of the spiritual journey and not experiencing God as near, then one just has to keep choosing it again and again.  I’ve observed many marriages where the romantic love has died away but the couples were continuing to choose to love each other instead of looking for greener pastures.   And let’s face it, greener pastures still have to be mowed!  Love, once the beautiful feelings disappear, really is a choice and an act of the will in hard times. 

I think I’m going to miss not being a grandmother more than not being a mother.   Grandmothers, from what I observe, seem to have more fun!   

Family Ties

After last week’s looonnnngggg meetings, I headed north to Omaha, Nebraska on Saturday to attend my brother John’s ordination to the permanent diaconate for the archdiocese.    I have 2 older brothers; Philip who is 6 years my elder and John who is 1 1/2 years older.     I ended up being the youngest and the only girl and I tell my brothers my parents stopped having children when they reached ‘perfection.’   Funny, they don't seem to agree with that...

As I sat in the pew at St. Cecilia’s Cathedral and watched my brother and 11 other men promise obedience to the bishop, completely prostrate themselves before the altar, receive the laying on of the hands and be vested with their stole and dalmatic, I realized what a blessing it has been to grow up in a faith-filled family.   I’m not sure if I, or my brother would have even heard a call and chosen to follow the consecrated path were it not for the faith that our parents instilled in us as we grew up.

Discerning a call to serve as a deacon involves not just the individual but their whole family.  John has a wife and 4 children ranging in age from 9 – 20.   I am sure each of those 12 men would have stated that without the support of their wives and family, they wouldn’t be standing up there to receive ordination.

Sadly, not all families are supportive of religious vocations.   Many of the young women I talk to struggle with their family not accepting their desire to pursue religious life.  Years ago when couples had large families there seemed to be no problem with 1 or 2 kids becoming a religious.  In today’s culture, when there are only 1 or 2 kids in the family, it seems to be harder for parent’s to encourage their children in a religious vocation.  If you are a parent it’s hard not to want grandchildren.   Parent’s DO want what is best for their kids and it can be hard for them to see a life of celibacy, poverty and obedience as being best for their child.   After all, who would REALLY choose that?

Women who have converted from another faith tradition or who are the only members of their families still a practicing Catholic, also have a hard time helping their families understand why they would want to do something as illogical as join a monastery!  It takes a great deal of courage to stand up against the often negative comments that are hurled their way.  One of our sisters who grew up Jewish and converted in her early 20’s had to go to the airport in New York alone when flying out to Missouri to enter because her family didn’t approve.    Tears can still come to her eyes when she tells that story.  One sister who grew up Baptist was disowned.

I have been told and observed this in my own time here that when families come to visit the monastery and meet the community and see their daughters as happy, fulfilled women, some of the doubts begin to slough off.  Maybe they still don’t understand and perhaps never will, but there does become more acceptance that this life isn’t so bad after all.  

Parents can’t live their children’s lives for them.  Many older women who call me say they had thought of religious life when they were younger but were talked out of it.   If you are a woman who struggles with family issues, remember this passage from Mark, chapter 3:  “When his relations heard of this, they set out to take charge of him; they said, “He is out of his mind.”  You are in good company!   All you can do is pray for grace and wait patiently.   If the call is authentic, it will overcome all things.

It would have been hard to think of my goofy brother when growing up as doing something like becoming a deacon.  But I suspect he would say the same thing about my becoming a Benedictine sister.  God's grace is certainly surprising...