Discernment can feel like a continuous Lent – part 2

Just to recap:  Our holy father St. Benedict begins Chapter 49 of his Rule with this verse –  “The life of a monk ought to be a continuous Lent.” In verse 5 he writes – “During these days, we will add to the measure of our service something by way of private prayer and abstinence from food or drink.”

One of my resolutions on Ash Wednesday was to give up flavored coffee/creamer and sugar for my 2 jolts of caffeine in a day.  I wasn't giving up coffee totally, but ordinary run-of-the mill black would have to do for the next 40 days.  I take after my father;  I need cream and sugar (in generous amounts) in my coffee and really prefer some hazelnut or French vanilla or (Egad! for coffee purists) – coffee from a cappuccino machine in a gas station.

So thus it was that I traveled to another Benedictine monastery in Pennsylvania this past weekend to attend a meeting. On the first leg of the flight from Kansas City to Cincinnati, much to my dismay, their coffee machine wasn’t working so there was no coffee available…and I had purposely not drank any coffee back at the monastery before I left. 

“Oh well, it’s Lent, I can sacrifice, “ I told myself.  On the second leg of the trip, from Cincinnati to Pittsburg, I was able to order coffee.  And of course the stewardess asked, “Cream and sugar?”  And, of course I said, “Yes.” 

Resolution gets tossed by the wayside in 24 hours.

But I had all weekend to deny myself so I wasn’t feeling too guilty.  But it was funny how almost every other ‘coffee encounter’ involved an opportunity to try a flavor I had not tried and I rationalized to myself, “I’m traveling, so it’s okay to not stick to my resolution,” etc.  Now failing at a Lenten resolution such as this is not the stuff of mortal sin.  But it did remind me how easy it is to get distracted from an original intent.   When one is just starting out on discernment, one may be zealous about wanting to spend more time in prayer, or spend time researching communities but other ‘things’ come up and it may get relegated to, “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

Authentic calls do keep coming back, even when we push them aside.  But it’s up to us to decide how long we are going to push it aside.  If you have even a tiny inkling God may be calling you to discern religious life, you might as well just start seeking information about and affirmation of the call.  No one has died of discernment…as far as I know.   Discernment will teach you a lot about yourself that you may not have known otherwise, even if you should discern you don’t have a call to religious life.

Time for another cup of coffee…black, please.

Discernment can seem like a continuous Lent - Part 1

Our holy father St. Benedict has a chapter in his Rule that begins with this line –

“The life of a monk ought to be a continuous Lent.”   

If I had read this chapter first when I was looking at Benedictine life, I’m not sure I would have entered!  It’s a good thing it is waaaaayyy back in chapter 49.  The thought of my life being a continuous Lent would not have exactly been a great attraction for me.

And then dear Benedict goes on to say, “Since few, however, have the strength for this…

Hmmm…again, not exactly a line that offers comfort.   

The Lenten imagery of desert, asceticism, ‘giving up’, etc. actually reminds me a lot of discernment.  Only discernment lasts for more 40 days!!  God knows at the time I wish it would not have taken me so long to figure out ‘what I should do with my life.’

God often leads us out into the desert when we begin our discernment.  The Gospel reading for the upcoming First Sunday of Lent gives us Mark’s version of Jesus‘ time in the desert.   During my discernment I was tempted with –

“God doesn’t REALLY have a special plan for you”

“You are too independent to be in religious life, your spirit will be squelched”

“You won’t be happy giving up all your freedom”

“You will miss not having a husband and children”

and on and on…

It is the desert times, though, that strengthen us for the real task ahead.  To stand firm against the negative thoughts about our faith or religious life from our own ego, Satan or from our culture makes us stronger, not weaker.  

Since I’ve been hanging around now for 18 years in the monastery, I’ve also come to a better understanding of what Lent is and why Benedict may have said what he said. Lent is about trying to recognize and push aside the obstacles/things that distract us from seeing God.  Discernment is similar in that we need to recognize the obstacles and distractions that would divert us from our ‘call.’

A blessed Ash Wednesday to everyone!

Life after Birth

I spent this last week on the campus of Texas A&M University where I was one of the directors for a Busy Student Retreat at St. Mary’s Catholic Student Center.    This is an opportunity for ‘busy’ students to commit to meeting with a spiritual director for 30 minutes a day and to spend 30 minutes in personal prayer each day for four days – Monday thru Thursday.  I will put in a plug for the Aggie spirit here - this is one of the best Catholic student centers in the nation.

I took a walk over to the Bonfire Memorial on campus Tuesday morning.  This commemorates the tragedy that happened on November 18, 1999.  The Aggies have a tradition of building a bonfire before the annual football game with the University of Texas.   Over the years this became a huge, and I mean a HUGE stack of logs that could be as high as 40 feet and contain as many as 5000 logs.  In 1999, the stack collapsed while over 50 students were working on it, killing 12 and injuring 27.   There are 12 portals around a ring commemorating the 12 students who died with remembrances from their families or sayings from the students, themselves, etched on the portals. 

One student was remembered for saying this (and I paraphrase because I don’t remember it exactly) -

“Grab a hold of life and go for the ride, for while not everyone lives, everyone dies.”   

This reminds me of a question I heard years ago, “Is there life after birth?” 

Yes…it is asking about birth…not death. 

One might say that’s a stupid thing to ask, of course there is life after birth!   However, if we are not living the life God calls us to live then we are more dead than alive.  God calls us to the fullness of life.  For some of us, that may be a call to religious life.  We have to be willing to set aside our fears and ‘go for the ride’.   It’s best to live out our life like a candle that has completely burnt itself out, giving all, holding nothing back. 

Will there be life after your birth?

Why ME?

I asked "Why ME?" of God when I first felt the stirrings of a religious vocation.  I was 25 years old but looking for something more meaningful to do with my life.  I had graduated with a degree in biology and a minor in computer science from the University of Nebraska, Kearney.  I was working in a research lab in Bethesda, MD but knew agar plates, gel chromatography and centrifuge runs were not going to be in my permanent future.

I went to Mass every Sunday, (I was a good Catholic) but didn't have much of a personal prayer life.  I figured God might get involved with my future planning if I gave him more than a personal nod on Sundays.  I found prayer rather boring so I asked for the gift of wanting to pray and for help in what I should do with my life.   To be honest, what I really wanted was for God to find me a nice job somewhere in the mountain states of Colorado, Wyoming or Montana.  (I loved to camp and hike and wanted to live somewhere with much natural beauty)

God proceeded to plant the stirrings of a call to religious life instead of pointing me to the classifieds.  I ignored that 'voice' for about a year but God would not let me so easily off the hook because the thought would just not go away.  I like my independence and my freedom and God could certainly have found more suitable candidates.   It was when I began asking, "Well, why not me?" that I started thinking it might be an okay idea.  It took another 2 years of discernment and searching before I entered the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration.

The irony is that I just wanted a decent prayer life and God instead gave me a life of prayer.

Lesson to be learned - Be careful what you pray for!  

Crossing the Threshold

Today we celebrate the Feast of St. Scholastica.  She was the twin sister of St. Benedict according to tradition.   What little we know about her we find in the story of the life of St. Benedict.   She and her brother used to get together once a year for conversation on the spiritual life and to praise God.   The charming part of the story is that when Benedict wanted to leave and go back to his monastery because it was late, Scholastica begged him to stay and continue their conversation.  He refused so she prayed to God to prevent it and instantly there was a violent thunderstorm.  So Benedict had to spend the night and they both benefited from the additional sharing.  

On this festive day we also welcomed a new postulant.  Maria was brave enough to cross the threshold to begin the next phase of her spiritual journey!  The Rule of Benedict states in chapter 58, “Therefore, if someone comes and keeps knocking at the door…and has persisted in her request, then she should be allowed to enter…”   

Observing this ritual once again reminded me of my own entrance into monastic life back in September of 1993.   I was excited but scared.  My desire to try religious life was stronger than my fears.  That is a key sign in discernment, I think.  Fears are normal and inevitable and I’m more concerned if someone doesn’t have some fears.  To step into the unknown should cause some fears to arise.  However, it’s when you don’t let the fears stop you that you can be more assured that this is an authentic call.