Saying yes is hard to do

Last Monday I commented on how Joseph got his life turned upside down by Mary’s announcement of an unexpected pregnancy.  Now today, we go to the actual event itself.  Again, Mary wasn’t planning on this happening to her, either.   She had to do some quick discerning, though.   She even had the audacity to question the angel.  But would anyone really turn down an angel that appears to them? 

We can be grateful that for most of us who have felt a call to religious life, we are given time, we don’t have to say an immediate ‘YES’!   For me, it was more of an immediate ‘NO’!  Imagine telling God, ‘NO’.  But, that is what I did.  I suppose we will have a good laugh together when we meet in eternity.  Although, sometimes I think I hear God laughing even now….  I’m not the first person to tell God ‘no’.  We have several examples from scripture.    Moses is one of my favorites; he kept saying, “send someone else”, when God spoke to him in the burning bush. 

Convent life wasn’t in my plans.  It’s a good thing God is patient.  It took a year of wrestling back and forth with the idea of being a sister before I finally gave in and hunted up a spiritual director to help me.   God has a way of wearing you down even if you aren’t open originally to his plan.

The question has certainly been asked over the centuries - what would have happened had Mary said, ‘No’?   I wonder if God had a plan B just in case.   Imagine if we had the kind of relationship with God where we could say ‘yes’ pretty much instantly every time we were given insight into what God is asking of us, no matter how difficult or confusing it might seem to us. 

Hmmm….maybe I should consider if there is anything I’m saying ‘no’ to God about right now.   He’s going to win in the end anyway!

    

Discernment as a continuous Lent - Part 5

Today we celebrate the solemnity of St. Joseph.  Talk about a guy whose world gets turned upside down!  He appears to have his life together, he’s engaged, has a job, has plans...and then his fiance drops a bombshell on him.   

Getting a call to religious life can feel somewhat similar.  You might have plans; you’re on your career path; you know what you want out of life.  And then....something happens...and suddenly your future isn’t so assured and you have these nagging questions.   I’ve known women who have been in serious relationships or even been engaged only to have the religious call intervene.  I’ve known women who have finished a degree and fully expected to go out job hunting but then realize there is something else knocking on the door of their heart.  

God has to get our attention in some way to assure us what our path should be.  For Joseph it was a dream that would tell him it was okay to take Mary into his home.  I envy Joseph, one dream and he seems okay to follow wherever God leads him.  My dreams are usually rather bizarre and not as easy to interpret!  However, our dreams can tell us a lot about what is sitting below the surface of our consciousness and this can be a help in discernment some times.  We have to be open to whatever avenue God may use to help us in our discernment.  We also have to realize that what may look initially like ‘bad news’ may in actually turn out to be a bigger blessing than what the original outlook may have been.  

I sometimes wonder how much St. Joseph had to do with my own vocation.  Back when I was 25 I was trying to figure out what to do with my life and I happened across a 30 day novena to St. Joseph that I thought I would use to get some heavenly help.  It was in the midst of that novena that I felt the strongest pull towards God I have ever experienced and set me on the path to discerning religious life. 

So...try asking St. Joseph for a little help, he must have been confused about what to do in his life too!

Discernment as a continuous Lent – Part 4

Our Gospel reading from this 3^rd Sunday of Lent (John 2:13-25) is about Jesus cleansing the temple of the money changers and animals being sold for sacrifice.  When someone is discerning a call to religious life, there are often areas in her life that need to be cleared out.   A lot of times what needs to be cleared out is fear. 

I was ‘afraid’ when I was discerning religious life.  I tended to be the type of person who needed security…needed to be totally sure this was the right thing to do.  It was hard for me to step into the unknown.   If I made the decision to enter, I wanted to be assured that in 20 years I would still be happy.   I often prayed, “God, why can’t you just ASSURE me this?”

I think God must just laugh or smile a lot when I pray things like that.  The only guarantee God makes is that He will be with me.  God has made no promises that just because I’m a Sister, my spiritual life is going to be wonderful all the time or that my community is always going to be happily living with each other with no conflict.  It’s the times when I’m afraid to take a step forward that I need to ask Jesus to, yes, get out the whip, and help me drive this stuff out. 

In our Gospel the disciples recall the words from scripture as they reflect on this action of Jesus, “Zeal for your house will consume me.”  I had to let my zeal for desiring God overcome my fears about entering.   Fears and doubts are inevitable but you cannot let them paralyze you.

Discernment can seem like a continuous Lent - part 3

I have to admit, the story of Abraham almost sacrificing his son Isaac, which we heard yesterday at Mass for the second Sunday of Lent, is one of my least favorite scripture passages.  I don’t like the idea of God asking Abraham to kill his son.  Historically, we don’t know what really happened, but in the story handed down to us - Abraham at least thought God was asking him to do this.  It certainly would have been common among his Canaanite neighbors.

So what does this have to do with discerning a religious vocation?  It can feel like God is asking us to give up our own Isaac as we ponder religious life.  Have you said to God, “No, I can absolutely not give THAT up!”  It might be the idea of getting married and having children.  It might be the idea of giving up a flourishing career.  It might be the thought of leaving family and friends behind.  One of my Isaac’s was giving up my independence.  You mean I’m supposed to be obedient to someone else?

The point of this story about Abraham is not about God demanding something horrible and totally un-Godlike.   The point is Abraham’s obedience to God.  It is his willingness to return everything God had given him, including his only son.  This is what we are supposed to learn from.

If asked to give up our Isaac for a religious vocation, God will return the hundredfold.   We cannot outdo God in generosity.   

Discernment can feel like a continuous Lent – part 2

Just to recap:  Our holy father St. Benedict begins Chapter 49 of his Rule with this verse –  “The life of a monk ought to be a continuous Lent.” In verse 5 he writes – “During these days, we will add to the measure of our service something by way of private prayer and abstinence from food or drink.”

One of my resolutions on Ash Wednesday was to give up flavored coffee/creamer and sugar for my 2 jolts of caffeine in a day.  I wasn't giving up coffee totally, but ordinary run-of-the mill black would have to do for the next 40 days.  I take after my father;  I need cream and sugar (in generous amounts) in my coffee and really prefer some hazelnut or French vanilla or (Egad! for coffee purists) – coffee from a cappuccino machine in a gas station.

So thus it was that I traveled to another Benedictine monastery in Pennsylvania this past weekend to attend a meeting. On the first leg of the flight from Kansas City to Cincinnati, much to my dismay, their coffee machine wasn’t working so there was no coffee available…and I had purposely not drank any coffee back at the monastery before I left. 

“Oh well, it’s Lent, I can sacrifice, “ I told myself.  On the second leg of the trip, from Cincinnati to Pittsburg, I was able to order coffee.  And of course the stewardess asked, “Cream and sugar?”  And, of course I said, “Yes.” 

Resolution gets tossed by the wayside in 24 hours.

But I had all weekend to deny myself so I wasn’t feeling too guilty.  But it was funny how almost every other ‘coffee encounter’ involved an opportunity to try a flavor I had not tried and I rationalized to myself, “I’m traveling, so it’s okay to not stick to my resolution,” etc.  Now failing at a Lenten resolution such as this is not the stuff of mortal sin.  But it did remind me how easy it is to get distracted from an original intent.   When one is just starting out on discernment, one may be zealous about wanting to spend more time in prayer, or spend time researching communities but other ‘things’ come up and it may get relegated to, “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

Authentic calls do keep coming back, even when we push them aside.  But it’s up to us to decide how long we are going to push it aside.  If you have even a tiny inkling God may be calling you to discern religious life, you might as well just start seeking information about and affirmation of the call.  No one has died of discernment…as far as I know.   Discernment will teach you a lot about yourself that you may not have known otherwise, even if you should discern you don’t have a call to religious life.

Time for another cup of coffee…black, please.

Discernment can seem like a continuous Lent - Part 1

Our holy father St. Benedict has a chapter in his Rule that begins with this line –

“The life of a monk ought to be a continuous Lent.”   

If I had read this chapter first when I was looking at Benedictine life, I’m not sure I would have entered!  It’s a good thing it is waaaaayyy back in chapter 49.  The thought of my life being a continuous Lent would not have exactly been a great attraction for me.

And then dear Benedict goes on to say, “Since few, however, have the strength for this…

Hmmm…again, not exactly a line that offers comfort.   

The Lenten imagery of desert, asceticism, ‘giving up’, etc. actually reminds me a lot of discernment.  Only discernment lasts for more 40 days!!  God knows at the time I wish it would not have taken me so long to figure out ‘what I should do with my life.’

God often leads us out into the desert when we begin our discernment.  The Gospel reading for the upcoming First Sunday of Lent gives us Mark’s version of Jesus‘ time in the desert.   During my discernment I was tempted with –

“God doesn’t REALLY have a special plan for you”

“You are too independent to be in religious life, your spirit will be squelched”

“You won’t be happy giving up all your freedom”

“You will miss not having a husband and children”

and on and on…

It is the desert times, though, that strengthen us for the real task ahead.  To stand firm against the negative thoughts about our faith or religious life from our own ego, Satan or from our culture makes us stronger, not weaker.  

Since I’ve been hanging around now for 18 years in the monastery, I’ve also come to a better understanding of what Lent is and why Benedict may have said what he said. Lent is about trying to recognize and push aside the obstacles/things that distract us from seeing God.  Discernment is similar in that we need to recognize the obstacles and distractions that would divert us from our ‘call.’

A blessed Ash Wednesday to everyone!

Life after Birth

I spent this last week on the campus of Texas A&M University where I was one of the directors for a Busy Student Retreat at St. Mary’s Catholic Student Center.    This is an opportunity for ‘busy’ students to commit to meeting with a spiritual director for 30 minutes a day and to spend 30 minutes in personal prayer each day for four days – Monday thru Thursday.  I will put in a plug for the Aggie spirit here - this is one of the best Catholic student centers in the nation.

I took a walk over to the Bonfire Memorial on campus Tuesday morning.  This commemorates the tragedy that happened on November 18, 1999.  The Aggies have a tradition of building a bonfire before the annual football game with the University of Texas.   Over the years this became a huge, and I mean a HUGE stack of logs that could be as high as 40 feet and contain as many as 5000 logs.  In 1999, the stack collapsed while over 50 students were working on it, killing 12 and injuring 27.   There are 12 portals around a ring commemorating the 12 students who died with remembrances from their families or sayings from the students, themselves, etched on the portals. 

One student was remembered for saying this (and I paraphrase because I don’t remember it exactly) -

“Grab a hold of life and go for the ride, for while not everyone lives, everyone dies.”   

This reminds me of a question I heard years ago, “Is there life after birth?” 

Yes…it is asking about birth…not death. 

One might say that’s a stupid thing to ask, of course there is life after birth!   However, if we are not living the life God calls us to live then we are more dead than alive.  God calls us to the fullness of life.  For some of us, that may be a call to religious life.  We have to be willing to set aside our fears and ‘go for the ride’.   It’s best to live out our life like a candle that has completely burnt itself out, giving all, holding nothing back. 

Will there be life after your birth?